Monday, June 20, 2016

Twe Weeks Clean...Practicing Patience

Celebrating 15 days free after 15 years of meds.

It is a surreal feeling each morning, not checking to make sure I took my meds- granted I am taking other supplements, but I am still free from my Rx anti-depressant!  I'll be honest here.  The last two weeks have been a bit hairy. Moments of jubilation and moments of sadness; brain racing with more ideas than I could ever do, and so much fog that I can't quite remember the word I was about to say or how to write a simple grocery list.

To be honest, I kind of expected that.  The ride off of meds is unpredictable at best.  Neurological stress is part of the price you pay when you taper... Just like sore muscles earned from an intense bout at the gym after too many months off..  Something is bound to short circuit.  2015's ill fated taper gave me vertigo so bad that I couldn't walk from the couch to my bed without holding a wall for support-- so a little brain fog is nothing to be upset about.  Funny, though, Taper 2016 gave me the gift of an asthma flare.  Anyone else had that happen?  I haven't needed asthma meds for 2+ years, and suddenly last week I woke up in the night not being able to breathe.  Grateful that I  kept my inhaler stashed away and super lucky it was still good! :)

The hardest part for me has been feelings so BIG I don't know what to do with them- feelings about others and myself too!  Life was like a softly focused, sepia toned, romantic picture-- Looking at it, I could see some blemishes and some areas to touch up, but nothing drastic, nothing major, nothing that warranted immediate fuss or stress.  Now I feel like life is under a spotlight- you know the terrible wardrobe and make up lights that pick up every blemish, highlight every enlarged pore and magnify each wrinkle and I am surrounded by mirrors that keep reflecting all those flaws and imperfections, shoving them into my face for constant scrutiny.

I knew anti-depressants modulated mood- narrowing the ups and downs, but wow, I had forgotten how much it blunted and dulled my senses and sensibility.  I have to keep reminding myself that I have changed, not the people around me.

I have to keep practicing patience with me too.  Anyone who knows me well will testify to my persistence and my drive to get it done, whatever that it is.... Well, truth be told, I can get a little, ok, really pushy, demanding, obsessive.  Give it a name and I will own it- and I will hate myself for it being true-- You see, pushy is one of the blemishes, and half the wrinkles I see in myself in the light that is so bright now that I am off the meds. I could list other qualities that make me my own unique self, that I see now as brash, uninviting, coarse and harsh.  I feel bigger, louder, brassier.  Not as soft and mellow- if mellow and Erica ever went together.

So, as I wait, as I continue to adjust, I get to rediscover who Erica is.  Some of the pushy may be part of the neurological adapting, some of the controlling may be feeling out of sync with me.  Maybe in a couple months I will realize that I am annoyingly obsessive and controlling and I can choose to embrace it or work for change. I guess I just need to hold on.  Wait and hope. Practicing patience with myself and others as we each figure out life's challenges.

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